


What Does This Make You Feel?

by TomatoLullaby31



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek RPF
Genre: Bottom Spock, Broken Hearts, Dicks, Green blood, Hurts So Good, M/M, Spock - Freeform, The feels, Top James, Unrequited Love, Vulcans, general Vulcan emotionlessness, james thinks of leaving, spock wants to feel, this is hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-03-02
Packaged: 2018-01-14 06:52:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1256938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TomatoLullaby31/pseuds/TomatoLullaby31
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I want you to love me back, but I know it's impossible...neither of us can leave, so I'm just going to have to find a way to not feel for you..." Suddenly he let out a soft and sad laugh, it sounded more like a crack in his voice, "who knows, maybe I'll fall for someone who can actually love me as much? Or at all..." James took a shallow breath "I'm sorry to have wasted your time, Mr.Spock." He said steadily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Does This Make You Feel?

Kirk could feel the thrumming of their hearts, and yes the pulsing of his cock, as he stayed lip lock with his Vulcan. Their small wet smacking of tongue and lips filled the warm air and he swore to god if Spock kept grinding on him like a bitch in heat he was going to cum in his fucking pants like a goddamned virgin. Nobody was sexier than Spock in James' mind, Spock was everything all in one, sexy, suductive, ingenius, and yes at times an annoying little contrarian fuck that Kirk just wanted to bend over the table, but regardless, he was the only one for that Captain. He pulled away from the heavy and intense kiss and huffed, "I..love you," James breathed hotly, "so fucking much." Spock could hear the ringing of his flushed ears as his hips pushed gently forward against his partner's--well, gentle to HIMSELF, he often disregarded the obvious incongruence of Vulcan and Human strength--and canted forward as a breathe slipped through his parted lips. This partnership had been about sex and only sex for as long as Spock could remember--he'd been subtly pulled in by Kirk's wild charms and the copulation was quite the stress reliever. He found that the excitement of staying late in the night next to his Captain on the bridge forced his green blood barreling downwards to his groin--which was always taken care of roughly by his Captain. He shivered as lips met his heated ear, only to find himself go cold at the words that blew into the shell.   
"Captain," he said calmly, as though the movement of Kirk's hips wasn't tearing him apart. "We agreed this... Partnership would be purely sexual."  
Love was an emotion he was incapable of comprehending. If he were human, he might have felt remorseful at rejecting Kirk's feelings in this manner. But he couldn't conjure the simple feeling of shame, simply because he... couldn't.  
"Love is an emotion," he countered, "that I am not capable of conjuring, nor responding to. It is..."  
Was this what a human would call heartless? Mindless rejection?   
"Illogical."   
If Kirk, as a human, was catching feelings...  
"Perhaps we should stop."  
Kirk wasn't sure what was worse, his broken heart, or aching cock. "Illogical..." It stung, the blonde knew he should have seen it coming, the swift and emotionless rejection falling from the vulcans sinful lips, but the prior knowledge didn't make the blow any less severe. Oddly, he felt it almost comical, insane, asinine. "Unable to conjour?" He moved his hands to grip Spock's wrists "feeling none of this? " he gripped tighter, enough to possibly bruise a human, "tell me, how does this feel?" He flipped them, pulling Spock's pants down to just below the curve of his ass, "don't move. That's an order." He hissed, before bending in front of the Vulcan's private area. James separated the cheeks with a shaking hand, rage tinting his vision red, and leaned his face forward, breaching Spock's quivering hole with his tongue.   
Spock didn't try to stop James's angered tantrum. He knew that if the Captain was going to accept the end of their coital meetings, he'd never accept Spock having the last word. No, James Tiberius Kirk was the man who didn't believe in no-win situations. He did everything he could to win; and this time Spock wasn't going to try and stop that tirade.   
At least that's what he told himself--in reality it might've just been that he didn't want to walk away so high and dry.   
"Of course, Captain," he said, keeping his voice from quivering as his entrance was breached, the puckered veins throbbing and twitching from the intrusion. He could feel his body rejecting what he so badly wanted--deeper, deeper. He tried to swallow the low breaths hitching in his throat, his elbows lurching as he tried to push himself back farther, trying to get more of James inside of himself.   
"Cap...tain..." He whispered, oddly calm in the midst of James's firing rage. He could almost say that he was indifferent to the raging storm of emotions that lingered behind him, inside of him, scratching against his fluorescent green skin.   
"If you do this now, Captain, it will be..."  
He bit into his lip. He certainly didn't want this to end, but if the Captain couldn't handle a coital relationship, it would have to cease to persist. A Vulcan and a Human... It hadn't been a good idea from the start. Although Spock himself... His shoulders became heavier as he breathed his next words.   
"...it will be the last time."   
Vulcans cannot lie.   
Kirk pulled away, letting out a hollow laugh, "then I'll make sure this is a time you remember forever." He ducked back down, tongue resuming its tirade, but along with two slicked fingers. He scissored, angry tears brimming, he wouldn't cry, he wouldn't! Instead his motions became harsher, rougher, faster, and his resolve left. Maybe this hollow numbness that was growing in his chest was how hi-no, the Vulcan always felt. If so Kirk finally understood, emotions hurt, they really fucking hurt, maybe it was a good thing this had happened, maybe...this was how he was meant to feel, or not feel. Empty eyes glazed over, he made sure Spock's cock was flushed green at the tip, and leaking before he finally pulled away to slick his own bright crimson dick. James aligned himself with his cock head pressed flush to Spock's entrance, he leaned over his second in commands shoulder as he slowly pushed in, and suddenly the rage flooded back, and he was slamming in fast and hard; Kirk but down on Spock's shoulder as he thrust, growling out, "emotionless huh? Can't love me back?! How does this feel?! Do you feel anything? When we fuck? When I kiss you?! Tell me this doesn't make you feel even the smallest spark of something?! A connection, /love/?! I loved you, hell, I fucking still do. Even if it's all fucking wasted, I still love you..." He kept thrusting, hard and deep, but his voice went from the booming cry of rage to one of pain, hurt. He sounded crippled. "I still fucking do..."  
Spock reached his arms forward blindly, into the darkness. He needed something to keep himself steady and upright, because the way his ass kept pushing and pulling forward and bouncing at the ferocious thrusts made him dizzy and near falling forward. He wouldn't say it didn't feel good--astonishing, even--but somehow he had never been fond of 'goodbyes.' He hadn't the presence of mind to keep his noises level, quiet... He couldn't, in fact, when he felt blooming pleasure spread inside of him and ebb with the painful friction of the pull out, setting him on fire. He was clenched and tight, shaking as he was mercilessly defiled.   
"Captain...!"  
He was certain that anyone with a careful ear could hear the way their wet skin slapped and squeezed and pushed together, graceless and angry.   
"No--I--"  
What had he been feeling? If he could, he'd say he'd been feeling... Empty. Not physically, as his body was breached and molested so roughly, but inside of himself. Who was he without this starship, who was he without James? What bothered him was that he wasn't sure he even cared to know the answer anymore.  
"James... James, oh please..." Rougher? He wasn't sure the Captain could muster any more pain to fuel himself... And Spock didn't want to be the one who fueled the flames.  
Kirk shuddered "you beg like this means something to you." He growled hollowly, doing as asked and literally pounding the Vulcan to the mattress, making himself lightheaded with sadness and rage "the last time" he whispered under his breath, rocketing into and out of the lithe body beneath him. "I can think straight anymore...I fucking can't take this Spock." He felt the tightening in his balls, knowing he was near but never wanting it to end, what would he do now? He couldn't continue his role as Captain if it meant seeing Spock every minute of everyday, knowing he meant nothing more to the one he loved than a way to get off and destress. He was nothing if he couldn't be with Spock, life meant nothing... "I'm close," he said in Spock's pointed ear   
"Come on, Spock, cum with me." He turned the Vulcan's head, awkwardly connecting their lips in what resembled a final kiss between lovers parting ways, he put everything he had ever felt about Spock in that kiss, the amusement of teasing him when they first meant, the anger towards him for the times they'd disagreed, for the times Spock had been the stupid one (not often) and almost died, the scared feelings when he first realized he was falling for the logical man, the excitement of their first time, and now the deep, burning love he still felt even now. He put all that and more into the kiss, as his hand moved to Spock's neglected member and jerked it with his thrusting, bringing them both to the brink.  
Spock pushed all of himself upwards into Kirk's hand, his back arching and his stomach contracting as a muffled curse rang from his lips into the Captain's. He wanted to hate himself for making the Captain feel this way, he wanted to feel remorse for being the one to rip apart the life beating in James's chest. But he couldn't. In the same way that he couldn't love Kirk, he couldn't hate himself. All he could do was feel the way his body was jerking and the way Kirk twitched violently inside of him as they orgasmed, the pleasure spreading from the base of his shaft and all the way to his tip, washing through him like redemption as he freed himself onto his own clenched stomach. But it only lasted for several mind blowing circles of pleasure rolling through his body--until he calmed himself back into his state of indifference. If he could truly feel at all, if the emptiness eating away inside of him could be called 'emotion,' he could only describe it as feeling numb. Truly despicable. 

Kirk pulled away, the next few minute spend with him cleaning them both off, and standing silently, his normally happy eyes dark and bloodshot with sadness. He dressed, feeling the ache as his arms longed to wrap around Spock, holding him to his chest and never letting go. He didn't, he merely pulled on his black uniform pants, both of them silent. When he finished he sat on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees, his hands buried in his hair has his gaze fell to the floor. Heartbreak wasn't something he was used to, but he knew this was more, his very soul burned, he felt the endless hatred for himself now brimming, his stupidity was the cause of his broken heart. He'd hoped that maybe the way Spock had responded to him meant something, anything at all. James had been foolish to believe he could make the Vulcan love him. Foolish and optimistic; but now he'd have to pay for it, see Spock everyday on the ship, watch him and not be able to touch, taste, whisper sweet nothings of love and want into his flushed skin like prayers not they were meant to hear. He'd break...go from shattered glass to tiny grains of crushed mineral, blown away by the slightest of wind. "I'm leaving the crew." He decided out loud, seeing it as the only solution. "As soon as I can, I'm leaving." Spock was sated, relaxing back into the sheets. His ears were perked to the sound of the James fumbling around to redress himself, and he could only imagine the pain James felt. So he kept his eyelids closed--he didn't want to face possibly the greatest regret in his life. But a few simple words sent him into a mental state of shock, his eyes opening as he slowly sat up in his bed, the sheets slipping down his chest. "James?" He didn't bother using formalities here, not when he felt his stomach collapsing in on itself. "Leaving? You took an oath." Wasn't this Spock's fault? Perhaps if he'd been able to return his feelings, or perhaps if he hadn't let this start at all, James would've stayed. He relied far too heavily on the Captain's instincts, in no universe was Spock ready to retain the title of Captain. Perhaps...   
"James, don't leave." It might've been his imagination, but as those words left his lips the true force of them weighed heavily on his heart. The Enterprise didn't need just a Captain, she needed James Kirk. The whole crew did. Even Spock did.   
James held his head in his hands, nails digging into the skin, "I...I can't!" He turned to give Spock a stoney stare "I'm not strong...I'm not strong enough to be with you everyday knowing you see me as nothing more than a fuck. You may not return them but don't make light of my feelings. This fucking hurts, even right now. You'll make a great Captain, probably better than I've ever been." He knew it was a childish and irrational responce, but the constant uneven thrum of the organ in his chest kept him going, he was slightly distracted by Spock's thoroughly fucked look, the messy jet black hair, his flushed green skin. It made him wish he'd never opened his mouth and spoke those stupid words, it made him wish Spock could love him back. "I...I don't want to do this." He collapsed back into his hands, tears burning his eyes again. "I wish I'd never felt any of this." It was a false claim, being in love had been wonderful, he'd had a reason to survive, to smile and feel like all was right with his world. Spock reached his hand towards James's shoulder, then decided against it. He didn't want to give James the idea that he could ever return this feeling, this love. "You are the... Strongest man I have ever known." If anyone could keep himself together in turmoil, it was James. He'd been calm in a storm more times than Spock could count, (although if he truly wanted to he could bring it to an exact amount.) He couldn't pretend that James's tears didn't make him look around the room for some kind of help, for some kind of grace to deliver James through his turmoil. James loved him. The thought made him pause. If he could love James back, wouldn't this whole problem be resolved?   
"James, this crew needs you."  
He placed his hand assuredly on Kirk's shoulder. "And as for me, I'd soon rather leave this ship than see you go. This ship is yours, Jim."   
He was willing to go, if it meant that James would stay and be the leader he was destined to be.   
"I want you to stay, please, if you can do only one thing for me let it be that...." Kirk ran a tired hand over his face. "I...I'll try to get over this...they say unrequited love dies like a flame right?" He was now speaking more to himself than Spock. "I want you to love me back, but I know it's impossible...neither of us can leave, so I'm just going to have to find a way to not feel for you..." Suddenly he let out a soft and sad laugh, it sounded more like a crack in his voice, "who knows, maybe I'll fall for someone who can actually love me as much? Or at all..." James took a shallow breath "I'm sorry to have wasted your time, Mr.Spock." He said steadily.  
Spock's eyes trailed down his arms and into his lap, before tiredly fluttering back to James's exhausted face.   
"You were never a waste of my time, Captain." It was true. "I've been a misuse of yours."  
He knew it was impossible for the Captain, who loved so wholeheartedly and with such passion in everything that he did, for him to simply let go. If the Captain truly loved him, it would take dubious amounts of time for the feelings to drift away. And until then, wouldn't everyone in the crew reflect their miserable Captain? This was Spock's fault, and the magnitude of fault could only be resolved by himself.   
"Captain--James, I.."  
He folded his hands into his lap and locked eyes with Jim.   
"I cannot guarantee you that I will fall in love with you. But for the sake of the crew, I am willing to try."  
And he couldn't bare to see James walk away. He may not have realized it, but his dependence on James already resembled something of love. Admiration.   
And if he could wholeheartedly love as James did, he could think of no other suitor that challenged his intelligence and held his interest as well as the spontaneous Captain. Indeed, if anyone could succeed in making him feel, it would be this man. It would make a most fascinating experiment.   
"I'm willing... Because I admire you greatly. And I cannot permit the... Friendship we have--which I depend upon so greatly--to diminish."  
James felt his heart restart, "This--Spock, you don't have to do this" despite the words he was swelling inside with happiness, his stomach a coil of red-hot emotions. He longed for acceptance "you have no idea how much I want to have this happen..." The blonde wanted nothing more than to push the Vulcan to the bed and ravish him yet again, until the only thought in his computer like mind was of Kirk. He had to be sure of this first, he needed to know.   
Spock paused, fondling his fingers in his lap. "I cannot guarantee... Nor can I promise that I'll have any feelings for you. But if I think about wanting to try for someone, it is undoubtedly you. You who has gained my trust and my loyalty." Spock didn't know that by his admittance, a tiny sliver of his human half was freeing itself. The part that wanted love and acceptance, and the part that felt love. Strongly.   
"If you'll have me, Captain, I'll be by your side for the next million stardates." Whether he could fall in love or not, the partnership of Kirk and Spock was impenetrable. Space could only remain as it is known to NCC-1701 with its loyal captain, and his logical first officer.   
Kirk smiled, even if it was still somewhat broken. "That's all I can ask of you," he turned and kissed him softly, a small spark between them that wasn't there before; James knew he couldn't expect anything to happen soon, or at all, but at least the Vulcan would try. And trying was all they had, love and hope were always there for Kirk, and now more than ever he relied on them, if only to spend a lifetime next to this man as his illogical, irrational, and loyal love.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this was a roleplay between my friend and I after we drew some pretty hot smut. And I loved it so much that I asked her if I could and shared it with you! Hope you enjoyed it as much as we did!


End file.
